Mission Log of the Diabolical Baby Brigade

 As Logged By:  Agent West   A broken leg has Daddy home Where he works and tries to roam. What's these numbers on the screen? It's the craziest thing I've ever seen.   Maybe Daddy needs some help While he eats some chips made of kelp. I'll just click and tap and smash. Uh oh, was that a crash?    "Rats," Daddy huffs as he stares at his computer screen.   TAP, TAP, TAP... SMACK!    Mommy jumps and forgets about playing with me.  "What is it?"   "I just made a mistake."     "Do you normally smack the computer so hard at work?"   Instead of answering Mommy, Daddy chooses to ignore her.  After a few seconds, she starts to seethe.  Her nostrils flare and there may be some steam.  But Daddy doesn't notice, he's too busy peaking toward the kitchen.  "Maybe I just need a snack."   Before Mommy can say a word, Daddy hoists himself up and hobbles on in.  He drags one leg behind him, where it'...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose    Mommy's done it again. A Chicken Soup for the Soul win!  Two stories in their holiday book She hopes everyone will take a look.   One about procrastination, The other a cookie abomination!  Watch her run and scream and scream When all I want is some ice cream.        "HAHA!"   I jolt awake and look about.  What monstrous crazy has just woken me?   Ohhhhhhhhhh...   It's Mommy.   "The book has arrived!  IT'S ARRIVED!!!!"   Zoom, zoom.  She runs from one room to the next and I start to wonder if she's hit her head.  Dashing left and right.  She really has lost it this time.   This little, diabolical cutie was really enjoying her sleep.  Maybe I can get a little more shut eye.   "ROSIE!"   Crap!   Mommy lifts me and swings me around.   "Look!  LOOK!  The latest Chicken Soup for the Soul book is out!  This one is called,...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase    Mommy left for some meeting The days were anything but fleeting. Now, she's coming back today And bringing Gobbles some special hay!   In the door Mommy walks And all she does is talks. Look at this baby's happy dance And Gobbles' adorable prance.     What is a diabolical mastermind to do?   For three days I've had leftovers from the same casserole.  Something healthy, something without soul.  No taste, just waste.  Such a blah existence for a baby.   I can't blame Daddy, he's doing his best.   Especially since he's going without his rest.   Yes, yes, yes.  This little one has kept Daddy up every single night.  What fun!     Now, he's dragging his feet.  He can barely get the food in the microwave, let alone prepare a house that I've destroyed before Mommy gets home.   Hehe!   But!!!!!!!!!!!!   Today's the day!  Mommy's coming home and I'm...

 As Logged By: Agent West    The big day has come For some cake, and then some. I see the numbers four and oh, And I gotta say, 'woah!'   Time once again has won! Mommy's thirties are gone. Will she sing goodbye? Or will she cry, cry, cry?     "You seem in a cheery mood," Daddy notices with a cautious grin.   "I'm doing great!"  Mommy boldly exclaims.  "It's my birthday and I feel wonderful."   "Just so long as your dad doesn't have any surprises planned," Daddy whispers under his breath and buckles me in for a car ride to the grandparents.   "There's my little stinker!"  Grandpa greets as soon as we arrive.  "Who's my tooty pants?"   And with that, I've got to let one out.   PPPHHHHHHRRRRRRRFFFFFFFTTTTHHHHHHPPPPPPPTTTTTTT!   "Ugh, Dad!"  Mommy growls and whisks me away as Grandpa cackles and cracks!  "Not on my birthday."    In a flash Mommy whips off the dirty diaper an...

 As Logged By:   Agent Rose   Mommy has a new obsession With some figs in her possession. "Mine, mine, mine!"  She screams So much that I have bad dreams!   I've got to get rid of them Till there's only an empty stem!  Should I let them go to waste? Or should I have a taste?    "Don't touch them!!!!!!"   Daddy jumps way back as Mommy runs toward the potted plants, ready to kill.  "I was only checking to see if they were ready," he explains.   But Mommy doesn't seem to believe him.  Her eyes start to squint and her lips twitch.  It's such a change that even I stop playing with my toy microwave.   What is going on here?  What can be so precious as to turn Mommy into such a frightening creature?   "Don't touch my figs," she warns between clenched teeth.  "I've been babying them all year and, now, they're finally ripening."   That much is true.  That crazy Mommy has been babying these potted plant...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase    A little nap is all I want, Not some fancy croissant. Get me back to bed Can't you see my face is red?   All this crying and, still, nothing. Mommy knows not a thing!  My cheeks feel quite hot Will you see before I snot?    "Time for our brunch date!"  Mommy squeals from down the hall.   Meanwhile, I'm not having such a ball.  My head feels heavy, my bones are aching, and I'm pretty sure that my tummy is about to rebel.     "Get up!  Get up, lazy bones," Mommy says at sight of me.  Without a glance at my pale complexion, she hoists me up and onto her shoulder.   BBLLLLLEEEUUCCCCCKKKKK!    "Ooh!  Did someone have some spit up to get out?"     No, Mommy.  NO!   I think I'm sick, I need to go to bed.  I'm puking, not spitting up.  And, I feel the chills, I think I'm getting a fever.  What does a diabolical mastermind need to do...

As Logged By: Agent West   Mommy may have hurt her back Trying to lift my diaper sack. Now she's stuck on the couch With the frown of a grouch.   Is it age?  Is it genetic? The thoughts turn Mommy quite hectic. "I'm not old," Mommy shouts. Uh oh, here come the pouts.    "AAAAAHHHHHHH," Mommy wails from the other side of the house and I lift my head to look about.   How can she already be screaming?   I have yet to throw this stink bomb at her.   "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"  She cries again and this time I have to find out why.   Carefully hiding the stink bomb for later (hey, I'm a diabolical dude.  I'm still going to get Mommy), I crawl my way down the hall.  Around the corner I carefully roam only to find Mommy on the couch with dozens of pillows propped behind her back.   "I'M NOT OLD!"  She screams at Daddy, who is looking like he's been shocked with a few bolts of lightning.   "Of course not," Daddy tries to say with ...