Mission Log of the Diabolical Baby Brigade

 As Logged By: Agent Rose   Thanksgiving came and went And I loved every bit of it Until Cousin Molly started to vent And made me want to spit. Did I get her in the face  Or spit a loogie on her plate? If only I had my mace, But that will have to wait. Mmm...  Mmm...  Mmm... Turkey, stuffing, and gravy.  Oh, my!  Next I'll have a slice of pie. "Oh, look how cute Rose is holding her fork like that," one relative says.  "She's trying to devour it all in one bite!"  Says another.   Go ahead and adore me, just keep the Thanksgiving feast coming!   "Ugh!  Who cares about some baby acting cute,"  Cousin Molly complains.  With an eye roll, I might add!  I dare say that someone's a little jealous.  "She's just a little fatty eating a lot of food."   Excuse me!?   Sure, sure.  The verbal wraths and "how dare you's" are spewing right and left.  But Molly's shield is obviously up.  Those scorns...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase I may be tired. My eyes starting to droop, But I'm too wired And ready for a big poop. Mommy says she needs a break. Daddy wants to lie down. Do they really think they can make This baby go to sleepy town?   Man, do I have to poop!   Mommy has laid me down, and a nap does sound nice, but this baby is not going to go to sleep that easily.  Especially, when I need to go to the bathroom this crazily.   Now, I know what you must be thinking.  If you have to go, then go and call out for someone to come and change your diaper.   That sounds well and good, but then I'd surely fall asleep.  This isn't just about a smelly poopy.  I'm a diabolical baby.  I must make this about driving my parents insane.   Sniffle, sniffle.  "Wah!  Wah!"   In comes Mommy.  "It's okay, Sweetie.  Just go to sleep."  She rocks me gently against her shoulder, which feels quite good.   I start to doze an...

 As Logged By: Agent West Mommy could have sworn That she put it away. This is why I was born. To drive Mommy crazy.  Hurray! She turns around And there it sits So neatly on the ground. Not torn into little bits. "There's my order form!"  Mommy exclaims, reaching down to grab the shiny piece of paper off of the floor.  "How did you even reach it?" It was quite simple, Mommy.  I am ready to tell you how.  But, alas, you have not waited for me to explain.  You asked your question, then ignored me while you put the order form away. Or did you... "What the..."  Mommy gasps when she turns back around.  "Is that...  But I could have sworn..." She looks at the order form sitting on the floor.  She blinks and blinks, but it is still there.  So, she goes to her desk drawer and what is in there? "Huh," Mommy says when she doesn't find the order form in there, though she is swearing that she had put it away not five seconds ago.  "We...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose They're creepy.  They're crawly. They have eight whole legs. Should I love them like cousin Molly Or fear them like Granny Megs? Fear them?  Are you crazy? I'm a Diabolical Drei baby! I'm not going to be lazy Agent West says, "squash 'em."  Maybe... Okay!  What is it with autumn that the whole world becomes nothing but spiders!? They're in the car.  They're in the air.  They're under the sink.  Ech!  They're in my hair!  No, wait... That one was a fake.  Well done, cousin Molly.  What a funny trick you played at Auntie P's Halloween party last night.  Guess who's been added to my target list... At least, I didn't scream like Granny Megs when I pulled it out of my hair. There goes one now, a real one, across the bathroom floor.  I crawl closer to inspect this species of creepy crawlies.  It scuttles about with its eight legs so well and who can't help but admire a bug that paralyzes its p...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase Mommy dressed me like a bunny. One with big, floppy ears. Everyone thought it was funny. A Halloween to remember for years.   I ignored my diabolical side And put up with it for the night. Then Mommy sneaked right inside The pantry.  Yep, that's right.   I put up with it!  Why did I put up with it?   For three hours, I was a fuzzy-wuzzy, cutesy-wootsy bunny.  With ears so long that they kept flopping in my face and hitting my nose.  So, why did I subject myself to such torture, such parental ridicule? A)  At least, I was no longer dressed as Jean-Luc Picard.  That captain of the next generation. And B)  FOR THE CHOCOLATE!  DUH!!!! I'd put up with anything:  Cheek pinches, silly photos, a hug from the Puppy.  Anything to get a pumpkin bucket of chocolate filled to the rim. Then Mommy did a bad, bad thing.  Something this diabolical baby can't ignore. Into the pantry, Mommy tiptoed when ...

 As Logged By: Agent West Daddy's sleeping on the floor Right where I like to play. Watching him is such a bore. Ooh, an idea, if I may. Should I swing my arm and Bop him on his toes Or should I smack him on the hand? I know, I'll sock him on the nose. I leave for one minute to make a farting teddy bear for Agent Rose and what do I come home to? Daddy asleep on the floor and snoring as loud as a boar.  Apparently, I have been a little soft on him.  Apparently, he thinks he can get away with falling asleep right where I like to play. I'm too diabolical to just go around him to get to my toys.  This is a golden opportunity.  A silver platter just waiting for my abominable touch. Should I toot my heinie right in his face?  I've already done that to Mommy.  Should I fill his pockets with cream of wheat?  Perhaps another time.  Ooh, what if I saw the floor out from under him?  No, no, no.  I don't know how to use a saw yet. What to do, w...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose I've finally gotten my cutey sleep. So, this diabolical baby is ready. Auntie P, you mean, old bleepedy bleep Now you must face my teddy. I thought Agent West's gift Was just a little bit odd Until I squeezed and caught a whiff Of what came out of teddy's bod. He made it oh, so diabolically and all just for me.  That sweet Agent West.  If this works, I might have to give him a kiss. Nah,  How gross would that be? What is this gift, you might suspiciously ask.  Oh, it's nothing really.  Just a plain old teddy bear.  Hehehe. Knock.  Knock.   I get in position as Mommy opens the door.  Nothing to see here.  I'm only a little, cute baby playing with her plain, old teddy bear.  Hehehe. "There she is!"  Auntie P squeals and picks me up.  To the couch she carries me and sits me on her lap.  "Now, you stay right here and be good for Auntie P." Sure thing, Auntie P.  I'll stay right here....

 As Logged By: Agent Chase And Featuring The Puppy Well, well, well Puppy It looks like we meet again. I will turn you into a guppy As easily as Agent Rose with her pen.   Are you going to chase your tail Or yip and yap with glee? I'll get you like yesterday's mail. Don't even think of hugging me.   "Yip!  Yip!"   Came the distinct sound that woke me this morning.  Was it a bird?  Was it a phone's ring?  Neither.  It was Mommy's friend coming to visit and bringing her puppy too.   This was no random puppy, though.   This was the same little, cutey wutey who chases his tail and yips with glee...   PUPPY!    The one that foiled my so awesomely awesome plan before.  The one that so deviously distracted everyone, including me, just by chasing his tail.  Well, two can play at this game. It's time for a delightfully diabolical showdown, Puppy.  Just you and me. The howl of a cold wind whooshes all around....

 As Logged By: Agent West His plush coat is squishy And he's okay if my hugs aren't warm. Sometimes they're a little pushy Or as scary as a bee swarm. What can I say? I'm a diabolical dude. I'm not of the warm and fuzzy way, Unless a booboo changes my mood. I've fallen and scraped my knee! Look at me!  Just look at me.  Mr. Diabolical Dude is blubbering and crying and whining.  Oh, my knee hurts so bad! "West, what happened?"  Mommy comes running for me.  "Did you slip on the rocks, baby boy?  Did you hurt your knee?" Duh!   Can't you see?!!  Now fix my knee.  It's starting to sting. I know I'm diabolical.  I know I can be crazy.  But I'm still a baby.  Ow!  Ow, ow, ow, ow. Mommy picks me up and carries me inside.  She sits me at the sink and gives my booboo a once over.   "Oh, no.  There's some rocks stuck," she explains with a sorry look at me.  "This is going to hurt, little man."  And...

As Logged By: Agent Rose My room is cozy And, oh, so warm. Then someone a bit too nosy Compared it to a dorm. Auntie P is going to pay Once I finally get some sleep. Don't worry, I'll find a way To make that nosy shrew weep. "You can't possibly be letting her sleep in here," Auntie P declared the other day.  "There is a draft in this corner and look at how the sun shines in.  She'll never sleep a wink!" Mommy and Daddy foolishly listened to that nosy, old goat of an aunt.  Now, I'm sleeping in a corner in their room.  Do you know what that means? Daddy snores all night long and Mommy's constantly getting up to pee.  Never sleep a wink?  Good job, Auntie P.  Now I'm not. It is wrecking havoc on my cutie sleep! I was sleeping just fine in my cozy, little bed in my cozy, totally-isolated-from-my-parents room. "GRRaaahhhhhh," Daddy snores out loud.    "Honey," Mommy whispers her yell and nudges Daddy with her fist.  "...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase Looking like Patrick Stewart Might have started my mission And made this sweet baby convert, But Mommy has given me a suspicion. I might be a captain That's leading the next generation While Mommy's original series fashion Has a whole different destination. Do I dare say it?  Is this even possible?  How could something so huge go unnoticed?  How did I not know? Is Mommy diabolical, too?! "Are you sure?"  Mommy asked of Daddy last week, her lips pinched and eyebrows raised.  A conniving glint in her eye caught my attention and I started to become suspicious. Daddy instantly nodded.  "Yes, I'm sure." "You wouldn't rather I be doing something else?" "What else could possibly be so important that you can't help me with this?"  Daddy threw his arms into the air, to which Mommy shrugged.  Though I noticed something odd in her otherwise nonchalance. "Okay.  I'll do it.  If that's what you reall...

As Logged By: Agent West   I don't have a poopy waiting, Ready to explode once my diaper's on. Or maybe I'm lying and baiting To let you think that you've won.   Will it be green Or possibly brown? It depends on what I've been eating And how it went down.   "Go poopy, West.  I know you have to." Yes, I do!  In fact, I've been waiting and holding my poopy in.  But sitting on the potty when I have to go poopy makes it difficult to hold it in much longer.  It'll all be worth it, though. I promise.  Hahaha! Mommy rubs her face.  She sighs a heavy sigh and you're about to know why.  This baby has been rebelling in a most diabolical way. "I gave you stewed prunes with your squash.  I know that you have to be ready to explode." YES I AM! I grit my toothless gums and try to hold it in a little longer. Mommy sighs again.  "Okay, fine." Off of the potty she lifts me to put a...

As Logged By: Agent Rose   I may be a sweetie. One that's cute and cuddly. But I'm also a meanie. One that's diabolically ugly.    If there's something I want to do, Don't you dare stop me Or I'll grab your shoe And throw it into your potty! The sun is shining and the flowers look beautiful.  Forget taking a nap or a bath.  This baby wants some time outside.  Some time roaming in the dirt.  Maybe I'll pick a flower and eat it, too. Did Mommy listen, though?  Did Daddy care? NO! I sat next to the front door.  I put my hand against it.  I even stood and eventually pounded it with my fist.  Yet, here I am.  Still completely inside and still waiting to go outdoors. Should I continue to sit here and wait like a good girl? Or should I do something completely diabolical instead? Daddy's new shoes do look pretty shiny.  I wonder how they would look inside a potty. They do look bra...

As Logged By: Agent Chase   Where did Chase go? She's not playing with the folder. She's on the stairs.  Oh, no! This baby is getting bolder.   Being diabolical is tough, Especially when out of ideas To make life on my parents rough. So, I'll climb the stairs with tortillas.    Bored.  Bored!  BORED!! I'm sitting here, on the floor, with nothing to do but flip through my Diabolical Drei folder.  Agent Rose is planning something sneaky.  That's nice.  Agent West, though, has decided to turn good? I know! Oh, great.  Now I'm making references to Mommy's favorite television show.  It's Friends for those of you who didn't know. I have to come up with a diabolical plot soon or next it will be my mind that I'll lose.  But, what to do? To my left is the kitchen.  Mommy's sneaking into the pantry again.  Sheesh, Mommy loves her chocolate.  To the right is Daddy's off...

As Logged By: Agent West   I know I'm a diabolical dude And I'm quite proud of that. But I love Mommy's food. It's a weakness I cannot combat!   Stew with a touch of meat? I'll take it, please! I'll even be extra sweet, If you top my meat with some cheese.   Mommy stares me down, waiting for my next move.  She's expecting one to come, but I just sit there all wide eyed and sweet. This abominably diabolical dude has chosen to be adorable for the day. "What is your act, young man?"  Mommy lifts an eyebrow at me.  "I'm on to you.  I didn't become your mother yesterday." Okay, okay.  So this is an act, of sorts. I want some more of that blendered beef stew!  I do!  I do!  I do! And I'll do whatever it takes to get it, too! I'll even be good! Throw in the peas and carrots, please.  Toss in the beef, then add a touch more.  Not too much onion, though.  There's a...

As Logged By: Agent Rose   It's been too long since I've had any, But standing is no longer enough. I'll have to be a little more canny Or this baby will have to get tough!   First one step and then another. How hard can walking be? I bet I can walk better than Mother After she's had something that isn't tea.   Agent Chase has sent out her orders.  This cutie's diabolical mission of the day is to find a way to break dear old Daddy.  Mommy was easy.  She's so gullible to my cuteness. But Daddy's been tricky.  There's no denying that.  How shall I break this man?  How shall I put him under my spell? Look at him sitting at the dining table while he scoops peanut butter straight from the jar.  Oh no, babies can't do that, but it's perfectly fine when parents want to.  So I might have taken too big a bite of peanut butter and choked on the glob as it went down.  Is that really reason to cut me of...

As Logged By: Agent Chase   Mommy's given me a taste And now I want more. I must make haste Before she closes the door.   If only there was some way To trick Mommy into giving me a bite. I bet there's something I could say. If I word it just right.   "Don't look at me like that," Mommy says, using her warning tone. But I stare right back at her with my warning tone glare.  Three times I tried to sneak into the pantry for some chocolate.  Three times Mommy has caught me. What can I do?  I must have another taste! I tried making a plan.  A most diabolical one, but my mind has remained blank. It must be the chocolate. There goes Mommy, into the pantry again to sneak her own mouthful.  Out she comes with chipmunk cheeks full of chocolate. I tighten my glare. But then a plan appears! Mommy must sense something as she tilts her chipmunk cheek head and squints at me.  Is it because my glar...

As Logged By: Agent West   The diaper comes off And I'm ready to run. Watch me take off! Watch me have some fun.   Mommy can't catch me As I run around with bottom bare. But, how diabolical can I be When Mommy doesn't care?   "Wessy, you have a wet diaper," Mommy says and picks me up to take me to the diaper stand. Yes, Mommy, I do have a wet diaper and do you know why?  Because I plan to wreak havoc the moment that my diaper comes off.  You have succeeded in getting me to go poopy in the potty, so I plan to get you back for that! "Are you going to be a good little Wessy and stay still for Mommy this time?" Maybe. Off the diaper goes without so much as a blink from me. "Okay, let's see if you have anymore to get out."  Mommy lifts me up, she puts me on top of the potty, she takes a relaxing inhale... Aha!  Bye, bye Mommy! And up I jump to escape with absolutely nothing covering my bum...

As Logged By: Agent Rose   The time has come To knock the pen down. To tear it apart and then some! Especially now that I look like a clown.   Mommy thinks the dress is cute. Daddy says that it's adorable. I don't really give a hoot! I look absolutely deplorable!   Thank goodness that Agent Chase and Agent West can't see me now! "Oh, look how cute you are!"  Mommy squeals and spins me around. "She's so adorable," Daddy chimes in.  "I can't wait for Gran to see her." The two keep babbling on as Mommy sets me down in the pen.  YES!  It is still here!  I have yet to break this abominable contraption that keeps me stuck in the living room. You might be wondering what Mommy and Daddy are talking about.  What, apart from my absolutely adorable face, has made me suddenly look so cute? A white dress with multi-colored dots spread about.   The very same as what a clown wears!  Oh, I w...