Mission Log of the Diabolical Baby Brigade

 As Logged By: Agent West Daddy thinks I tooted And usually he'd be right. But this baby's butt has disputed Such a stinky fright. Does Mommy think she'll win At turning the blame onto me? Watch this diabolical dude pin Her in the act.  Hehe! "Yuck, West.  That toot stinks beyond belief.  Even for you!" "What do you have to say for yourself, little man?" I'd say that your cheeks are burning awfully red, Mommy.  Red with complete and utter guilt! How dare Daddy assume I produced that toot!?  Yes, it is a mighty stinker.  Well done, Mommy.  But it was as silent as could be!  Does Daddy really think I would dare produce a stink without a trumpet's blast to announce my victory? Eww! Here comes another one.  Straight from Mommy's patootie. "This one stinks even worse!  That's it."  Daddy waves his hand frantically in front of his nose, completely oblivious of Mommy's reddening cheeks.  "You make a stink like that again and i...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose I've got a poopy That wants to come out. It might be soupy. Everybody look out! I enjoyed too many apricots. Now I'm regretting it Like when I ate sauerkraut. Hello potty!  Here I sit.   Oh, the gurgles.  Oh, the gas!   Why did I eat so many dried apricots?  Oh why, why why?   They were so good.  So diabolically soft, chewy, and delicious.   Now I've gotta go.  And I mean GO!  This poopy has given its final notice.  Get to the potty or destroy the carpet with a poopy stain that will be remembered in infamy.   "Are you wanting to play with Daddy?"  Daddy asks as he reaches down.   Are you kidding me?  I have a poopy that can't wait for play.  I swat my Daddy's hand and I swat him again.  Move out of the way, mister.  This baby has a diabolical, poopy overload that's threatening. NOOO! "Peekaboo!"  My daddy calls after yanking me off the floor and giving me a toss....

 As Logged By: Agent Chase When baby's stuck at home Eating mushy Brussels sprouts That taste like gooey foam, She starts considering Mommy's whereabouts.   Where else would Mommy be Than at Agent West's house Eating sanity cookies with glee? Now she's about to get doused!   I might be ready for bed.  I might be tired.  But that doesn't mean I'm going to go to sleep.  Mommy's been gone since my midday nap and now I hear Mommy's car driving in the garage.  This diabolical mastermind wants to know where she's been. "You're back late," Daddy greets her as I listen in. "I couldn't help it.  We had to make another batch of her cookies," Mommy confesses with a giggle. Cookies?  Cookies?  Which cookies are these?  Wait a minute...   SHE ATE CHOCOLATE WITHOUT ME!    Mommy sneaked over to Agent West's house whilst I innocently napped and enjoyed his Mommy's chocolatey chocolate sanity cookies.     Wait, calm down Age...

 As Logged By: Agent West Agent West's Mom Agent West is fast at work Fixing a teddy for a special girl. His Mommy's gone berserk. Time for her to give baking a whirl! Sanity cookies are just the thing To keep Mommy from going completely insane. Rather than whistle, I think I'll sing Since no one's here to complain.   I'm home alone and ready to let loose! Daddy and baby make quite the diabolical pair, and always right when I'm ready for a break.  But the wine is poured, don't worry, I'll definitely be pouring more.  I'm turning on the music.  I'm belting out every tune.   Let's get that cookie sheet greased!  All this mommy needs is some chocolate chips and the two other Diabolical Drei mommies to share these with. Mommy's Sanity Cookies A delicious mess of chocolate  Makes 24 (12 if you go for the sanity sized)   Ingredients:   1/2 cup softened butter  (BUT, if you are like most moms and don't know ahead of time when the...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose He exploded with every squeeze Producing a fart as smelly As soured wet cheese, Making Auntie P sick to her belly. But I was enjoying my favorite song And I squeezed him too hard. Now something is wrong And he's starting to smell like swiss chard. "Oh no!  Out of my way!"  Auntie P yells on her way to the bathroom with one hand over her mouth and the other flailing wildly. Another family get together.  Another chance to exact my diabolical schemes.  I brought my oh, so cute and lovable fart teddy with me this time and you better believe no cousins are calling fat today. Giving me a look, Cousin Molly?  Think I don't hear you talking behind my back?  Take that!   SQUEEZE AND FART! There goes Molly running away.  Coughing and gagging, but the stink follows her anyway.   I love you, fart teddy.  I love you!  I love you!  I love you!   I could kiss Agent West for this perfect gift.   "Yum...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase It's such a terrible thing. Daddy is already losing his hair, But it's so funny when he sings Like a great, big bear. Pulling out Daddy's hair is fun. It makes me giggle with glee. I'll have a handful when I'm done As long as Daddy doesn't drop me. He really is going bald. That shiny, hairless patch grows bigger every day.  Poor Daddy, at thirty-five you must be getting old.  Borderline ancient! Hmmm... Daddy doesn't look so bad without hair.  Maybe I should do something to hurry his balding along.  Something most diabolical, too.  Something that would make Agent West and Agent Rose most proud of this delightfully devious baby. Hair removal cream in the shampoo bottle? Nah...  too overdone. Automatic shaver that'll drop from the ceiling and shave Daddy's head while he sleeps? No way!...  too risky. What about a stink bomb powerful enough to singe his hair to stubble?  Would that even be possible?  Agent West cl...

 As Logged By: Agent West I have three stinky toots. Each one carefully saved In the canister next to my boots For when I need Mommy to cave. Is she refusing me beef stew Or chatting on the phone too much? Complaining about the tantrum I threw? There's a surprise waiting in the hutch. I DON'T WANT A BATH!!!! "WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" "Stop your tantrum, West," Mommy spouts with a huff.  "You stink and need a bath.  That's final!" I flail my arms.  I kick my legs.  I splash and scream and splash and wail... But Mommy still got me clean.  Even the dirt I was hiding behind my ears and between my toes is gone.  Here I sit all spick and span.  AND FUMING!    I'm one diabolical baby ready for revenge! I look over at my boots, but I am thinking of the canister hiding behind them.  Agent Chase's newest invention:  A way to save every single fart at its peak of smelliness.  Not just released.  Not when it's fading.  But when i...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose Nursing is fun And lulls me to sleep, But the time has come To make Mommy weep. I smile real cute Before I take a nip. "Yow wee!"  Mommy will hoot. Can I have another sip? Ah, it is time to nurse again.  Nothing like a sip of warm milk right before my cutie sleep.  I can already feel my stomach plumping, the milk doing its work.  My eyes are drooping... Wait! There's a Diabolical Drei meeting tonight and I haven't done anything diabolical all week.  I haven't squeezed my farting teddy in anyone's face or swapped hairspray with super glue.  There certainly won't be any time to be diabolical after my nap.     And don't even think for a second that I am going to give up a wink of my cutie sleep! But, what to do? What to do?... Mmm, this milk tastes good. My eyes start drooping again and visions of stinky teddies are dancing in my head.   Just like that, an idea hits me.  Smoother than a sip of warm milk, ...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase He came ready to chase his tail And fetch the curve ball that I threw, But this diabolical baby won't fail. I still have a trick or two. If only his hair wasn't so fluffy And my eyes feeling so heavy. It must be the remnants of being stuffy Making me dream of a 5-speed Chevy. He's baaaaack...   After a night of tossing and turning with barely a wink of shut eye, who should I find chasing his tail on my floor... than... the... Puppy!!! I set my glare at maximum and what does that puppy do? Why, he just stands there looking as innocent as can be.  His tongue hanging out and his slobber dripping and flipping toward me. Oh, you think you're so clever, Puppy.  I'm on to your act.  You're not going to fool me this time.  I won't be hypnotized by his yipping.  I won't get distracted by his fluffy hair.  No, no, no.  Today is the day that I set my diabolical plan into action.  Today, I shall get the Puppy at his own ga...

 As Logged By: Agent West Midnight is around the corner And I have a big one coming. I could be nice to Mommy and warn her, But that wouldn't be very cunning. A diaper makes a great New Year's hat, If I can get it over my head. What if there's a poopy in my hat? Could I still put it on my head? "In ten minutes, we'll be reigning in the New Year..." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody's so excited about the coming new year.  Party hats are adorned on every head and apple juice that looks a little bubbly is being poured around.  Yet, I'm in my crib! What was my crime? I snuck a sip of the bubbly apple juice (which didn't taste like juice at all).  There might have also been some gagging and puking, but that was not on purpose. Honest! Now I'm here, where I don't want to be.  This diabolical dude is going to make Mommy and Daddy sorry. Should I steal their bubbled apple juice and hide it somewhere devilishly sneaky or prank call someone, like Daddy...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose Traveling can get tricky When the family has a baby. I don't consider myself picky, But this crib is too shabby.   Where does baby sleep then? Between Mommy and Daddy, of course. The perfect spot for when I throw a punch with full force.   Hehehe!   I can't believe I fooled my parents into getting me out of that crib.  Yes, it was lumpy and bumpy, but I have slept through worse and not missed a second of my cutey sleep.   But how could I miss out on this golden opportunity?  After listening to Mommy and Daddy drone on and on in the long car ride, one thing became clear:  they have to have a sound sleep tonight. Sooooo....  It would be most diabolical if this sweetie were to "accidentally" throw her arm out and punch them in the face, right? Exactly! And I'll do it all without making a sound. I shimmy and scooch my cute kaboos over to Mommy.  She is sleeping most soundly, a touch of drool hanging from her lip....

 As Logged By: Agent Chase My nose is all stuffy It's a snotty mess. I want to hold something puffy. Where's my horsey, Mommy?  Confess!   Oh, my achy head! Give me some soup And send me to bed. Of course, I might then poop.   Dash it all!   How could I catch a cold not two days before I was supposed to carry out an all infamous fart display?  Oh, it would have been brilliant with a fart bomb of a different stench going off in every room.  Mommy and Daddy would have been left gagging for sure!   Instead, I'm lying in my crib with a head that feels like it's stuck in a tightened vise and a nose that can't decide if it wants to run or stuff up.   All I want right now is to snuggle up with my horsey, Giddyup, but Mommy put him in the wash.  That was three days ago, though!  WHERE'S MY HORSEY!   Note to self:  Must have a mission to find Giddyup and, then, diabolically get back at Mommy.   "How about some chicken noodle s...

As Logged By: Agent West   She spit a loogie in Molly's hair And drank tea most diabolically. She embraced my farting teddy bear And caught a rainbow magically.   Her smile is the best. No one can refuse this. Yes, yes, yes. I've grown accustomed to her cuteness.   Just stop it with the 'oohs' and 'ahs' before I slap you with Mommy's phone.  Or, worse, I'll find a loaded diaper to hurl at you.   The farting teddy bear gave my secret away, didn't it?  Don't lie to me.  I know it did.  How could I help it?  She's just so darn cute.  And quite beautifully diabolical, too!   Who else could make their father's shoe swim with the fishies?  Or trick their parents into doing her will simply by sleeping?   Yes, Agent Rose is the glisten in my spit bubble.  The rosebud in my poopy.   Now, for the dilemma:   Exactly how should this diabolical dude become the sparkle in her eye?  She's not just some ordinary baby....