Mission Log of the Diabolical Baby Brigade

 As Logged By: Agent Rose    Just a simple rhyme. Beans that don't impress. Barely even sweet, Try adding a beet. Perfect Yumminess!   Just a simple rhyme. Toots are never gone. Bittersweet cookies, Hiding all the zucchies. Add in a fake yawn.    Just a simple rhyme. A diabolical time. Beauty and the beans.   A picnic in the park is what it's all about!  Nothing is better than a family reunion full of food.   There's beans, cookies, beans, hot dogs, beans, fruit salad, beans, and more beans.   Yes, there are that many bowls and plates of beans on the table.  With so many beans displayed about, you know this diabolical cutie has a plan ready to pop out.   I can't complain.  I love my beans.  I do, I do, I do.   "Here's some cut up hot dogs and some baked beans," Daddy says as he carefully carries the paper tray to where this diabolical beauty is sitting in the comfy shade.  "I know you pointed at all of the p...

 As Logged By:  Agent Chase   Crazy Heidi has come and gone After yelling like Star Trek's crazy Khan. Did my diabolical scheme task her? Ha!  Of that I'm sure!   Yummy pasta for dinner. Chocolate cake is always a winner. Found a container for leftovers? Uh oh, where's the lid with the clovers?    "I don't know what to think!"   Daddy helplessly watches Mommy as she throws her arms into the air.  "At least your friend isn't complaining about everything anymore."   "That's because she isn't here!"   Even I have to crawl a step back after that loud wail.  Mommy takes a few deep breaths, she glances at the half empty wine bottle, and she takes another breath.  A really, really big one.   "I still don't understand how Chase managed to switch the wine out for vinegar."   "Are you sure the wine wasn't bad?"  Daddy asks with a lift of his brow.  "How could a baby manage to do something as crazy as that?...

 As Logged By:  Agent West   What's that jumping up and down? It's making it impossible to keep my frown. "Oo, oo.  Ee, ee.  Ah, ah." I cave with a smile.  Then, tata!?   Wait, take me back. I don't want a snack. I want to see more of that! Uh, oh.  What have I done with my hat?    Why have you brought me here?   This place smells like a zoo!   Oh, poopy diapers...   "Welcome to the zoo!"  A recorded announcer repeats over the speakers.  "Please enjoy the view of turtles, anteaters,..."   Oh, oh, poopy of pooped diapers.   How conflicted can this diabolical dude feel!?  I love going to the zoo, but I'm supposed to be grumpy, snotty, and mad.   I had a diabolical scheme.  A spit bubble perfect of an idea.  I was going to make a mess like never before.  Strewn toilet paper, stink bombs set and ready to toot, and splattered putty everywhere!   Now, what do I do?   "Look, ...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose    This plan took some time To come to its prime. So long that I forgot, Until Mommy screamed a lot.   What's this inside the pocket That makes Mommy jump like a rocket? Look at that fuzzy, black hair. It is growing everywhere!    What is that noise waking me from my midday nap?   VROOM, VROOM!  SREECH!  THUNK!   There is no way that Mommy will hear me, even if I scream my loudest baby wail.  Fine, fine.  I'll get up.   Up and over I roll and crawl all the way to the door.  The sound is coming from across the hall, so I continue to crawl.   And, what do I see when I make it in there?   A great big behind sticking up in the air!   Oh, wait.  That's Mommy's rear end.  Sticking half out of the closet.  What is she doing in there?   VROOM, VROOM!  SREECH!  THUNK!   Out from the closet she tosses a bag.  One of hers from her hiking days. ...

 As Logged By:  Agent Chase   Mommy loves being neat and tidy Especially when getting a visit from Heidi. Each lid is in its place. Every container with its own space.   What kind of baby would I be If I didn't have a diabolical spree? Hide one here, hide one there. Mommy's going to search everywhere!   Mommy runs from the living room to the kitchen, hurriedly tidying.     "What time is it?"  She wails from the bathroom, where she's perfecting the downward folded arrow on the toilet paper.   "You've still got half an hour," Daddy groans.  "Please relax.  I thought you said that Heidi was your friend."   "She may be my friend, but that doesn't stop her from peering all over the house and commenting on everything she sees that's not up to her standards.  Ugh!  She never fails to find something wrong.  Well," Mommy lets out an insanely diabolical laugh.  "Not this time!"    A pillow on the sofa i...

 As Logged By:  Agent West   It won't come across as rude To boast of being a diabolical dude, Not when the grandparents strut their stuff Until Mommy is ready to yell, "Enough!"   Spit bubbles and fart boxes, oh my! What else is hiding under Grandpa's tie? Cousin JimJim, beware! I've found something that is quite a scare!    "Where's my little Wubbin?"  Grandma squeals and reaches out her hands.   I gotta reach out, too.  This little, diabolical dude knows what's coming after giving Grandma a hug from her little Wubbin.   "Who wants some iced cinnamon rolls and just-out-of-the-smoker brisket?"   ME!!!!!!!!!!!   "Don't spoil him like that," Mommy complains.  She lets her purse fall onto the sofa, looking ready to fall onto there herself.  Hehe, haha!  "Not after the toot attack he set off as soon as we got in the car."    "He's a growing boy, they all make a stink."   "That grandson of mine is ...

 As Logged By:   Agent Rose Agent Rose's Mom   "If You Give a Moose a Muffin" Is fun to read to my little puffin. I've read it so much and a bit, That I'm starting to sound like it.   The microphone looked like such fun. Until my baby turned into a spray gun. I should have seen it coming, Watch out!  Puke incoming!      If you start sorting old boxes, you’ll find a beloved trinket or two.    One of them is your old microphone from the days that you voice-overed.   Seeing your microphone, you’ll wonder if you’ve still got it.   Wondering will turn to excitement, so you’ll take it downstairs to your computer.   As you connect your old microphone, your daughter will peek in the room.    If she takes a peek, she’ll see the microphone and ask what it is.    Upon learning that it’s a microphone, she’ll ask if she can play with it.   Since she’s sick with a cold, you’ll give in and let her have a t...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase   Mommy left me with the sitter And I made sure to get her. But, who is this stranger at the door? Oh, no!  I left my stink gun on the floor!   She claims to be my mommy, but I'd rather trust a pastrami salami!  I'll put this claim to the test With a toot that'll be one of my best!    "AH!  You made me spit out my gum."   The babysitter hurls herself onto the couch, trying desperately to clean off the sticky chunks before they adhere completely.     I, meanwhile, am too busy laughing.  One diaper filling poopy was all it took.     Only one, and this babysitter cracked.    "Eww!  That stinks."  She crinkles her nose.  "I can smell it from all the way over here."  Suddenly, she pauses.  A realization lifting her head.  "I'm going to have to change that," she barely manages to mumble.   Suddenly, a click has us both looking toward the front...

 As Logged By: Agent West     Will they check my temperature? Or see if I'm starting to mature? This diabolical dude doesn't think so. Especially, when I've got a spit bubble to blow!    The nurses look so nervous. And the doctor can hardly serve us. Do they know that I am hiding  Something stinky that's never subsiding!   "West is going to do great," Daddy reassures.   Mommy, however, doesn't look so convinced.  "You didn't witness what he did last time."   I grin a big whopper as I remember.  The nurses got ready to check my height and weight, they bent down to get a better look at the scale, and PPHHHRRRRFFFFFTTTTTT!   What can this dude do today?   "He'll be fine."  However, Daddy's no longer looking nearly as sure.     This waiting takes forever.  To help pass the time, I blow a spit bubble, then another.   "He's drooling," Daddy notices and helps wipe my chin.    "West!"...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose   Mommy won't stop squealing. She hasn't noticed how I'm feeling.  Go away and let me rest I tell you I'm not feeling my best.   "Try it," she insists.  What will happen if she persists? A new microphone? If only she'd have known.     "AH!  It's here!"   Oh, please.  Be quiet, Mommy.   "Rosie!  Did you hear!  It's here!  It's here!"   Please, for the love of poopy, be quiet.     Can't she see that there are circles under my eyes?  That my glow has dulled?  That my oomph has gone kapoof?   Mommy, stop running around and take a look at me.  Feel my forehead, offer me a drink.  I'm sick I tell you.  I need some rest.  So, please...   STOP YELLING, YOU CRAZY LADY!   "Ooh, I've been waiting for it to arrive, so I can set it up," Mommy explains without a second's notice of how I'm clearly sick.  "Did you know that I used to ...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase    Here is a story of excellence, A true master of eloquence!  One where people will gladly say  That diabolicalness can save the day!   A crazed man with a maniacal plan? He's nothing compared to this old man. An old man with a cane? That can only mean one thing!   Here is a story for you.   One starring a previous diabolical baby, who grew and grew.  Now, he's an old man, but that will never stop his diabolical jam.   Once upon a time...   Two men stood at the edge of an outdoor shopping mall.  “Are you sure you want to do this, Ralph? It’s only fifteen degrees.” “All the better! The chocolate will harden before these Christmas shoppers know what hit them!” Ralph sized up his soon-to-be victims. Especially, Henry’s Chocolate Emporium. “That Henry thinks he’s so special because he won the confection competition. I’ll show him! No one beats me.” “Weren’t you dead last?” “Quiet!” Ralph ...

As Logged By:  Agent West    How can something so sticky and thick Become delicious and fluffy so quick?  Don't touch the bread dough? What if I give it a little throw?   Gloop, gleep, glop! This dough's about to pop. Now, it's stuck to the door. Uh oh, some has fallen on the floor.    "Why do I have to stir with a wooden spoon?"  Mommy huffs and puffs as she stirs and stirs.   "I don't know," her friend shrugs and takes another look at the recipe book.   I, meanwhile, sneak my way across the floor while crawling on all fours.  I know I have a stink jar hidden in here somewhere.  Just wait until I open it, Mommy and her friend will forget all about wooden spoons.    They'll run for their lives at the stench once it hits.  They'll scream and wail, as my stink attacks never fail.   SPLOT!     "Oops.  Sorry, West," Mommy sheepishly says.  "I guess I stirred this dough a little too hard....